Dealing With Insincere Apologies
As a pastor, counselor, and life coach, I often help people navigate through hostile, adverse, and uncomfortable interactions with one another.
My goal is to promote and foster forgiveness, restoration, and healing between individuals. Generally, an acknowledgment of an offense followed by an apology starts the process. However, not all apologies are sincere.
In a recent article by Jefferson Fisher, a speech and legal expert, he spotlighted the negative impact of "bad apologies" on our emotions and bargaining power. He offers that there are three types of bad apologies and gives advice on how to respond to each. I will summarize what I read as I think this could be valuable information to help coaches and counselors mediate reconciliation.
The 'No Empathy' Apology: A common indicator of a 'no empathy' apology is when someone says, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." In this situation, it is crucial to steer the conversation toward accountability. Respond by saying, "Don't apologize for how the other person feels. Apologize for what you did." Help them recognize that each person is accountable for their own feelings as you help the offender see that they need to take responsibility for their actions. By redirecting the focus to their behavior, you encourage them to acknowledge their mistake and offer a more genuine apology.
The 'No Apology' Apology: Another type of problematic apology occurs when someone responds to a tense situation with, "I'm sorry you're offended." Similar to the 'no empathy' apology, shift the focus to their actions rather than any reaction. Request that they apologize for the cause, not just the effect. Say something like, "Apologize for what you did, not for how the other person reacted." When you do this, you highlight the importance of the offender taking responsibility for their behavior. This approach encourages them to recognize the impact of their actions and provide a more meaningful apology.
The 'Excuse' Apology: Sometimes, people offer excuses instead of a sincere expression of regret, blaming external circumstances for their poor actions. When faced with this type of apology, it is essential to address the insufficiency of their excuse. Instead of accepting their explanation, respond by stating, "You don't need to apologize for what your stress did to you, but you do need to apologize for what it did to the other person." By acknowledging the insufficiency of their reasoning, you empower them to take ownership of their behavior and offer a more genuine apology.
Again, this is my summary of the article. I hope you find it useful and valuable as you help, aid, and assist your clients in the process of healing.
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