Avoiding Competition in Marriage

Competition in marriage is never good, and unfortunately, it has become a disease in relationships in the same way that disunity has become a disease in the community.

Now when I speak of competition, I am not referring to the type of competition that comes from both partners buying FitBits and trying to outdo one another by the number of steps taken in a day. The competition I am referencing is the type where one spouse tries to top the other spouse to be "better" than them.

Competition in marriage has become more prevalent in today's society, where gender roles and expectations are evolving. Unfortunately, both husbands and wives may feel an unjustified and selfish need to compete with each other, whether in terms of career success, household chores, parenting, or even physical appearance. While some level of healthy competition can be motivating on the court or the field, competition in marriages can be damaging.

When competition becomes a constant presence in a marriage, it can create feelings of resentment, insecurity, and distrust. Instead of working together as a team, spouses may begin to view each other as adversaries. This view eventually leads to a breakdown in communication and creates an emotional distance. With this, the focus of the marriage shifts from teamwork to individual achievements. Ultimately, this will cause a loss of intimacy and closeness.

One solution to this problem might be to prioritize the marriage over individual achievements. This involves making a conscious effort to prioritize time spent together as a couple rather than solely focusing on individual pursuits. It also means recognizing that the success of the relationship is a joint effort rather than a daily competition between one another. More importantly, couples should focus on how they can support supporting each other's individual goals and accomplishments. They need to take on the mindset that no one spouse succeeds unless they both succeed.

As a pastor, I would be remiss if I did not point out that God did not make Eve to "compete" with Adam. God made Eve to "complete" Adam. God created marriage for companionship and partnership. They were to live together and work together cooperatively and in harmony, not competitively.

If you have this problem, I would recommend you seek help. A pastor, counselor, or coach can work with couples to identify the root causes of any competitive behavior and help develop healthier patterns of communication and interaction to rid marriage of this issue.

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